One day, Ali Muldrow of Madison, Wisconsin realized she was using some of the same catchphrases on her daughters that her parents used on her. So Muldrow started to think about the kind of person she is versus the kind of person she wants her kids to be able to become. To her surprise, her eldest daughter was right there to help her figure it out.
The following story was told at The Moth, during an open-mic StorySLAM in Madison where the theme of the night was “Wonders.” Here’s Ali Muldrow live at The Moth.
(This story has been edited for brevity and clarity.)
==
Hey, y’all. I’m gonna tell you a story about parenting. Any parents in the audience? I love the people who raised their hands. [laughs] For real, like parents know all the rules.
I’m a parent. I’m so much a parent. I have a 2-year-old and a 7-year-old. Right now, I have a pair of leggings in my coat pocket that have pee on them. That’s how I’m living my life these days.
But I think when you’re pregnant — when I was pregnant with my first daughter — there’s all kinds of things you wonder about. You wonder what the person’s gonna look like, and what they’re gonna be like, and what they’re gonna think of different things, what kind of music they’re going to like. She’s really into Australian pop. Would’ve never guessed, you know?
But there’s the one thing you’re sure of. And that’s that you’re not going to parent like your parents. Like, I’m going to be everything that they were not. I’m going to do all the things that they were great at. I’m totally going to be an evolved, like, way cooler parent than them.
And it’s interesting how that doesn’t work out, you know? That moment when you just hear your mom or dad just come out of your mouth, like one of their catchphrases.
My parents were really into the rhetorical question. One that I feel very much shaped me — and I’m sure other people in the audience have had this question — was, “Do you want a reason to cry?” Right?
I am not a crier. I’m pretty sure that that question has permanently made me a person that feels there’s really never any good reason to cry. However, when I heard myself start to say that sentence to my (oldest when she was 2 years old), I had to really start thinking about the kind of person I am versus the kind of person I want my kid to get to be.
So I heard that sentence and I questioned whether or not that was something I really wanted to shape my kid’s childhood, making her think she never had any good reason to cry. I started thinking, I started wondering what it would be like if I encouraged her to cry — if I made crying into a good thing, into an OK thing. What would my tools be to do that?
I decided next time she cries, I’m going to figure out how to let her know that it’s a good thing. And so, she was crying about something really important, you know, the way 2-year-olds cry. They’re just like, “Why the hell would you put my shoes on right now?!” You know. [laughs] “How could you have done this to me?!” I was like, I’m going to just embrace it.
And so I was like, “OK, keep crying. You gotta keep crying because your stuffed animals only drink tears.”
So I lined up all of her stuffed animals. I was like, “You gotta keep it going. You gotta keep it going because the frog has not had a drink yet.”
And she was like, “I’m trying, I’m trying. I’m trying to cry.”
Each one would get a drink. And then she’d be like laughing and crying.
It was this really proud moment in parenting where I had found a space to be comfortable with something that I hadn’t been comfortable with. (Something) that I wasn’t good at in terms of vulnerability, where I’d reconciled a part of myself that I didn’t wanna pass down.
You don’t know if those things like stick with your kids, those like little games that you play. Eventually she got too old for it. And she was like, “I’m just gonna cry. Don’t line up the animals. Back up off me, I’m just gonna weep over here about what’s happening at home.” Or, “That movie’s really sad. It’s like is she ever gonna find her mom?” You know, it’s Disney, I’m sure it’s gonna work out. I’m certain that she’s going to find her mom.
But you wonder if your kid is going to keep up the things that you teach them.
Recently, her sister was crying. Her sister is now 2 and she cries when people put her shoes on. Or a coat on. Or her panties or whatever. It’s all awful. She’s like a clothing anarchist.
But she was crying. And I was like, “Dude, we got to get going. Like, come on.”
And Adrian — that’s my oldest, that’s my 7-year-old — she was like, “No, keep crying, because your toys, they only drink tears.”
Ali Muldrow’s daughters. (Courtesy of Ali Muldrow)
To find more information on The Moth’s live storytelling events in Wisconsin, check out StorySLAMs in Madison and StorySLAMs in Milwaukee.
